My last post was May 16, 2022. I wrote about cheating on my blog with another project. During my silence, some readers may have assumed I was sick, that Covid 19 had taken the best of me, or that another MS flareup had put me on the sidelines for a year and a bit. I’m sorry to have left you hanging. I’m as healthy as a horse. The truth is that writing a memoir has become a full-blown obsession. I have left the blog behind temporarily while I give it my all. I simply don’t have enough energy to maintain both. I will post things occasionally, and return to the blog eventually, but in the meantime, I want to keep the momentum going for the memoir.
Writing a book is on my bucket list. I’ve written poetry, plays (one was performed at Harbourfront in Toronto), and newspaper stories. I’ve written essays about my life that have been published in provincial and national newspapers, and broadcast on CBC radio. I’ve been a newspaper columnist, a managing editor, and a blogger. I’ve done corporate communications for universities. Every time I changed genres, I told myself, “I think I can, I think I can,” and sure enough, I did. I want a book published in the conventional way by a commercial publishing house like McClelland and Stewart. If I can’t interest a publisher, I will self-publish through Amazon. Or I will make it available through my blog/website.
When I began my literary journey way back in the 1980s, I assumed my book would be either a novel or an in-depth study into “something” else. I never imagined I would write a book about myself. As my life has worked out, though, it’s provided all the raw ingredients necessary. After all, I am the leading authority on me. I spent much of my adult life as an alchemist, transforming the negative aspects into something golden.
It began as a project to commemorate my 50th year on the planet, and 12 years later I’m still writing. I wrote a collection of essays called “The Book of Joy.” It included many essays that had already been published individually. I didn’t really want to write a book about MS. When I paid a freelance editor to look it over, she didn’t think it had “much of a future.” Maybe, someday, I will post it on my website. That led to “My Life, with MS,” which begat the unwieldy title of “How a Control Freak with MS Learned to Laugh, Let Go, and Stay Positive.” The verdict on that one? “It hasn’t found its feet yet.” She also gave me cryptic instructions to “pay attention to what’s not there.” While confusing at first, it turned out to be good advice.
Writing a book-length manuscript has been far tougher than I realized. To make matters worse, for physical reasons I’m limited to how much I can produce. Unlike other writers, I can’t burn my candle at both ends by staying up all night writing. I must stop and take care of myself first. What I’m trying to say is, it’s hard to write a book about MS when you have it.
I do believe this version is on a firm foundation. The title is now, “Losing It: How a Control Freak with MS Learned to let Go (Sort of).” It is indeed a book about MS and takes a hard look at everything I’ve tried to suppress and avoid my entire life. It’s been gruelling but worth it. There are five chapters.
Chapter I Remembering – Covers the period from 1970 to 1985, roughly from the ages of 8 to 24. How I became a control freak. Probably 49% nature, 51% nurture. While writing the memoir has been a dive into my past, this chapter has been the deepest and most painful. It begins and ends with the tragic deaths of two family members. The first draft began with what is now chapter II. Then I realized that for it to make sense and be impactful, I would have to write a whole new chapter I. Leave it to me to tell a story without a beginning to dodge confronting my emotions. So typical.
Chapter II Ignoring – November 1993 until June 1998, when I’m 32 to 37. Features valiant but futile attempts to suppress my feelings and sidestep reality. It’s only five years but they were roller coaster-ish with lots of big hills to climb and valleys to descend into. This chapter covers the birth of my son, postpartum depression, our move to New Brunswick, and my diagnosis of MS.
Chapter III Coping – Summer 1998 to Christmas 2016. Over the course of 17 years how the three of us cope with the changing nature of my disability while maintaining as “normal” a family life as possible. Among the milestones – the fight to continue walking, constructing a new addition onto our house, and open-heart surgery,
Chapter IV “Daughter-ing” – 1980 until roughly November 2018, when I’m 18 to 57. Describes my troubled adult relationship with my mother and her undiagnosed personality disorder.
Chapter V Evolving – the recent past from 2016 until now, beginning when I’m 55. Letting go (sort of). Chronicles changes in housing, my marriage, and, most importantly, my attitude. Becoming comfortable with myself.
My current plan is to whip chapter III into shape by Christmas. Next winter and spring I will finish chapters IV and V. My worst fear is that something will happen to me before I can finish. And after you’ve read chapter I, you’ll understand why. Wish me luck.
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