What is it with old folks and their bowels? Why do they think everyone else will be as interested in them as they are?
I never ask for the information. They offer it to me apropos of nothing. No previous conversation.
I’m getting off the elevator and returning to my room shortly after supper. One of my neighbours is doing laps in our hallway. A lot of them do this. They keep themselves mobile by walking up and down the length of our hall, from one end to the elevator and back again. Unfortunately, June (not her real name) and I arrive at my door at the same time.
June: “I was in isolation for two days because I had explosive diarrhea.”
Oh God, why me? Was that adjective really necessary? I cringe and try not to make eye contact because that would encourage an actual conversation.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better, June. Have a nice evening.”
I get lucky this time. I avoid most of it by ducking into my room quickly, although I feel a little guilty about it because it’s kind of rude. Sometimes I’m unable to escape. I’ve come to realize the elevator is my kryptonite. Whether I’m waiting for it, riding on it or leaving from it, that’s when I’m most vulnerable.
Another day, I’m waiting to go down for lunch. I hear someone coming down the hall behind me. It’s Barney (not his real name), who’s actually a nice guy and not one of the grumpy old men. He eats at the earlier sitting so he’s already had lunch.
Me: “Hey Barney. Where are you off to?”
Barney: “I’m going up to the fifth floor to do my laps. I can’t go up there when I’m having trouble with my bowels, but today’s a good day.”
Is it me? Do I look like a good person to confide in when it comes to deeply personal bodily functions? No one ever says to me, “it hurts when I pee,” or “you should smell my feet when I take my shoes off at night.” We just don’t go there. We avoid topics like politics and religion during idle chitchat because they would be too controversial. Why do the aged think it’s okay to swap bowel stories during casual conversation?
Maybe it’s because by this stage in life, their lives have become more limited and restricted to what it feels like to live in their bodies. For all of us here, our bodies “ain’t what they used to be.”
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